Divorce

SheSays: The Fairy Tale May Unravel, But Don’t You

by Susan De Robertis

What happens after a woman says “I Do”? All that “love, honor and cherish ’til death do us part” stuff dissipates into thin air as reality sets in.

Your “Happily Ever After” has a 51% chance of ending up in divorce and you become as cherished as the old worn out wallet he had in high school that he stuffed in his back pocket. He still has that wallet, although it may be tossed in a dresser drawer by now. Once he has acquired his trophy, he can get on with the rest of his life. His work is likely to take priority, as men focus on taking action and producing results, while women focus on communication and relationships. Is it any wonder that 70% of divorces are initiated by women?

A woman is raised to be giving and nurturing; after all, she is the one who bears the children. It makes no difference if she’s a stay at home mom or a working mom, the responsibility falls on the woman to manage the household. This may include scheduling the kids, maintaining the house, doing all the errands, the shopping, cleaning, vacation planning, entertaining, walking the dog, and calling the plumber. And what does she get in return? Frequently, the “old wallet” is traded in for a brand new shiny model!

So now that we’ve decided we are getting a divorce, not to be overlooked is the fact that in her lifetime, a woman earns only 70% compared to what a man commands in salary. That is why it is important that she protect herself and her interests, after giving him the best years of her life. Divorce is not to be taken lightly and, too frequently, only the lawyers are winners.

How is a woman to navigate her future and protect herself and her interests? The number one rule is “Know Thy Assets!” Know where your tax returns are and make sure they are easily accessible to you. Keep track of your husband’s profit sharing plans, IRAs and retirement funds. Are you and your husband using a financial planner or accountant? Do you have your own copies of their reports and any financial information they have given your husband? Does he have a safe deposit box somewhere? Do you have the key? And then there’s the checkbook (and bank statements). Know what’s coming in and what’s going out! Learn how to balance the checkbook and check the bank statements. Keep records of all major purchases such as art work, furniture, major electronics items and appliances. Remember—your jewelry is YOUR jewelry, although you ought to consider giving back his grandmother’s diamond ring. I would take the high road here on family heirlooms and return them.

Venus In Transit:
A Woman’s Guide to Divorce—Before, During, and After

Before—Realize where you are in your marriage, and take responsibility and prepare your parachute. Get cracking ! There’s no time to waste! Take inventory of everything you and your husband have acquired during your marriage and meet with financial and legal professionals. Empower yourself. Remember—you are in charge.

During—The “Divorce in Progress” period frequently turns into a Cold War and an energy drain. You will want to keep a cool head, especially if there are children involved. Lawyers may want to prolong the procedure. Remember your goal is to be free and financially solvent. Always keep that goal in mind.

After—Acknowledge yourself for creating a new life for yourself and your children. Give yourself time to heal and reflect on what was missing in your marriage. Remember, the long term goal is to never repeat the past. You don’t need a man to be happy.

Dating & Ever After—When you do decide to date again and choose to have a man in your life, how do you avoid making similar mistakes? Know Thyself. You are older and wiser now. Be bold, clear and straight in your communications as you date new men. Don’t be afraid to be up front about what you want in a relationship. If he’s the right man, he’ll be there for you, and if not, don’t be afraid to let him go and move on with your search. Do not settle. A relationship with a man should enhance a woman’s life; remember always to honor yourself as the goddess that you are.

Susan De Robertis, Venus in Transit, is a life coach for women in divorce. She resides in Ossining, New York and can be contacted at susan@amsny.com

HeSays:
Nobility and Chivalry: Two Quick Routes to Poverty

by Marc H. Rudov

Divorce is the quickest path to financial ruin, bar none. These days, the probability is significantly high that a married man eventually will be single again, returning to the scrimping lifestyle of his younger days. This unfortunate situation exists because of stark modern realities:

• America has a 50 percent divorce rate for first marriages.
• Women initiate 70 percent of divorces, mainly to win child custody.
• Women are as unfaithful as men.
• Most family courts are biased toward females.

The marriage deck is stacked against the man if he earns more money than his wife—even in a two-career marriage. Alas, he enters matrimony and fatherhood from a position of weakness. Given the realities cited above, he is statistically doomed at the altar to lose his marriage, his wealth, and control of his children. It behooves him, therefore, to anticipate divorce early and navigate it carefully. Better yet, he must try to avoid it altogether.

Generally speaking, men are raised to be chivalrous and noble, while, in my opinion, women are raised to be well-coiffed takers. Wonderful. Well, remember these two phrases if you remember nothing else: (1) chivalry is benevolent sexism, and (2) nobility leads to poverty.

Even in 2006, when women fly combat missions in Iraq, pilot the space shuttle, and head major universities and corporations, it is common in affluent communities for the husband to want to be the “sole provider.” He toils all day at the office so his wife can play tennis, shop, visit her aestheticians, decorate the house, and lunch with her friends. Caution: Women with means and excessive freedom during the day are perfect infidelity partners. After all, idleness and narcissism, notwithstanding a plethora of charity activities, can lead to boredom and lasciviousness.

To the über-male husband, playing provider is a source of masculine pride, akin to wearing a badge of honor at work and the country club. Believe me: in divorce court, he will be the provider. He will rue the day he equated his manhood with his money. Divorce is a zero-sum game: Lawyers and wives win.

Know the Four Stages of Divorce: pre-divorce, divorce, post-divorce, and dating:

1. Dating? Why is dating on this list, and why is it last in the list? It’s last to get your attention. It’s in the list because, during dating, you can tell what kind of divorce adversary your woman is likely to be. Usually, you are blind to or ignore critical information during the dating stage—such as when your woman refuses to buy you dinner or pay her own way on a vacation. And, because of this lapse, you will sit one day in family court, head in hands, heart in stomach, as you hear the judge enumerate everything you will lose.
2. When all marital intimacy and communication irrevocably deteriorate, you are in pre-divorce. Rather than passively wait for your wife to divorce you, meet with loyal accounting and legal professionals to prepare for the worst. Sun-Tzu would approve this strategy.
3. During the divorce, minimize the war rhetoric. It’s going to be a long, tough, sad, expensive slog. Excessive emotions only enrich the lawyers and hurt the children. This is easy to say and difficult to execute, but it’s accurate. Cease viewing your ex-wife-to-be as your wife. She is now your adversary. She is looking out for herself, not for you. Nobility leads to poverty. Remember?
4. In post-divorce, take inventory and venture out slowly with new romances—the last thing you want or need is a repeat of the past. Solidify your relationship with your children—divorce’s biggest losers; counter your ex-wife’s anti-father poisoning tactics. Work diligently to understand yourself and choice of first wife—as well as the real reason your marriage failed. Remember: The divorce rate for second marriages is about 65% because people are: